Falling

A new journey - it sounds exciting and intriguing. 

When I knew my job would be ending at the end of this school year, I was ready to begin a new chapter. Tired of feeling "stuck" in a routine, I sparkled with the idea of this new journey to come. 

Change in life can be so exciting! To learn about yourself and see what God has prepared for you. I have been through this many times in my life, and I was ready for it this time! I trusted God to prepare what is next for me. No worries, just happiness and sparkles. 

Now that this chapter in my life is swiftly closing, I am no longer sparkling...I am panicking. 

It is so difficult to not be in control, or to see what is next - what is on the next page. I like to know what is happening in my life. My husband knows that I don't even enjoy taking a walk unless I have a destination, preferably an ice cream establishment! The destination is what I look to during my journey. A long road trip is out of the question unless it has sunshine and a beach waiting for me at the end. 

My personal road trip is quickly turning a corner. The problem is that I can't see what is around that corner. Wouldn't life be easier if we could just see ahead a little? To be able to prepare for the next step? I think I mentioned this idea to God more than once, but it seems like he doesn't think my idea is all that great. I always pray for some kind of glass ball I can look into to see what is coming - it just seems like such a practical way to prepare, knowing what to prepare for. 

It's funny though that God doesn't see this the same as I do. He doesn't want me to know what is next. Maybe he wants me to panic a little and feel as if I can't do this on my own. Why do we always think we need to do everything on our own? I have heard many people quote a verse that is not in the Bible. They say, "God won't give you more than you can handle". That is not true. The Bible says, "God will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." - that is different. Temping is talking about sin. God will not allow us to be tempted to sin, to do something that would hurt our relationship with him, without giving us a way out. I believe that sometimes God does give us more than we can handle. If we could handle everything in life on our own, then why would we even need God? We would be able to just skip through life and enjoy the sunshine and ice cream!

For my life, I think God continues to put road blocks and turns into my journey so that I will learn to truly trust him. I have put my trust in God so many times in my life. So many things that God has asked us as a family to do, I have always had to come back to trusting God. If I can't control my future, then I must trust that God is in control! Each time I place my trust in him, I can see him work in my life and I look back thinking, why didn't I just trust God in the beginning? Yet, as I face another chapter in my life that I have not written myself, I find trust such a difficult thing to do.

Trust is not just something you easily give. No matter how many times your friend catches you when you play that "trust me and fall backwards" game, you still wonder if they will catch you on the next fall. That is what it feels like to put my trust of the future, my next step, to God. I know he is there. I know he has caught me when I fell all the other times in my life. I know he has a plan for me. I know, I know, I know...but I still have to let go. My need for control, or a destination, needs to be traded for a blind faith that can picture his hands outstretched behind me...waiting for me to fall into his arms. Waiting for me to stop trying to figure out my life and instead, giving my next steps to him. 

Sometimes, even now, I fight this. I love God and know that I want to follow him and what his plans are for me. I know his plans will always turn out better than if I ignore him and do life on my own. It is still so difficult to hand over my life, once again. It seems as if he requires this over and over again. To trust, once again. To hand it all over, as Carrie Underwood sings, "Jesus, take the wheel".  It seems that at every turn I grab ahold of the wheel again. I think I know how to steer my life, what is best for me. If I do choose to grab the wheel, to not fall into his arms, to do it my own way, where I feel safe and comfortable - that is when life loses something. God did not intend for us to plan our life and live it out any way we wish. Proverbs 16:9 says, "man plans his way, but the lord directs his steps". What happens if I don't allow him to direct my steps? What happens if I decide to drive for a while. What happens if I choose to not fall into his arms but to walk on my own where I can see instead? 

If you can picture that "blind faith" game again...what happens if the person who is supposed to fall backward decides to walk straight ahead instead? They can see in front of them, so they take the safe way, the easy way and begin to walk where they can see. What happens is that they will get further and further away from where they were supposed to be. Further and further away from God, who is waiting to catch them. They no longer have to trust, or fear falling. They don't need to put their life into the hands of another - they have everything under control. What they don't realize is that they are getting further and further away from where they were supposed to be, from who they were meant to be. 

It is not comfortable to fall back. It is not safe to close our eyes and wait for God to catch us, but if we choose not to, we will find ourselves in a safe, comfortable life without peace and without the real purpose God had intended for us to have. So, once again, I will choose to fall. To have no idea what is next, but to pray and pray that God knows. To ask that he will show me the next step. "God will direct their steps"...all we need to know is one step. If we choose to follow God on that step, then he will show us the next and the next until we end up where he planned for us to be all along. We will be in his will. We will be at peace. We may not feel safe or comfortable, but we will know that God is with us, that we are in his will and we have a purpose that we can only be given by the one who knows us best. That is when we can really sparkle - in the place we were created to be!

If you have walked away from trust, away from God, you can always turn around and run back into his arms. He is still standing there, with his arms outstretched waiting to catch you. If you find you have made some wrong turns by taking the wheel of your life, pray that one simple prayer, "Jesus, take the wheel". He will. It may not be comfortable, but I promise you that you will finally feel at peace and you will find the joy that only comes when we fall.