Journey of Joy

For two years I had been speaking out on the evils of Human Trafficking. I had been telling groups about the women who are sent to work in bars as prostitutes by their families to earn enough money to send their little brothers to school. I began reading, learning and seeking out more information on what was happening in the world with this subject of sexual exploitation.

As I delved further into this world, I began to grab my invisible picket signs. I wanted to boycott the world and it's evil. I was ready to take on these horrible injustices and be a part of changing the injustices that were happening.

I was so excited when we began planning for a trip to Thailand so that I could see firsthand what I had been speaking about. I had been selling jewelry for different ministries that help women who have been sexually exploited. These ministries help them begin a new life, a new job and introduce them to their Savior, Jesus Christ. I wanted the chance to meet these women who had been able to get out of these dark and evil situations and deserved a chance at a better life.

When my family and I arrived in Thailand, we had the honor of sharing Christmas with the men and women from The Well ministry. They had a most upbeat celebration planned for the day. We arrived at 9am and of course, the weather was very hot for us Michiganders at Christmas! It was close to 90 degrees all day. We took off our shoes at the door, entered the room decorated with streamers, balloons, a table of wrapped gifts overflowing all over the floor and a "Christmas tree" that made me smile. The tree was actually a magazine rack, that was about four feet tall and spins around - wrapped in all different colors of tinsel until it was covered and in the shape of a pine tree!

Children and toddlers were running around laughing and playing. Mom's were chatting excitedly about the day's events. I turned around to see my daughter with a huge grin on her face, holding a little 8 month old baby with a giant bow stuck on her head. My daughter said, "I have no idea who's baby this is!". They had welcomed us into this celebration with open arms. The women from The Well accepted my family as part of theirs for the day and we felt so happy to be a part of this cheerful celebration! The day was filled with smells of Thai food being cooked outside for lunch, a funny talent show and a time of worship.

God changed my heart that day when I heard one particular song. A beautiful young Thai woman who had previously worked in the bars, but was now working to create jewelry at The Well, stepped up to take the microphone. She did not introduce the song, but silently waited for the music to begin. The young woman sang a worship song in Thai. I only knew it was a worship song by the joy and thankfulness in which she sang directly to her Lord and Savior who had given her a new life. As she sang, I sat on the cool tile floor in the back of the room, covered by the presence of God with tears streaming down my face. She had it. She had something inside of her that I had lost on my journey of justice. She had JOY. 

When I arrived home, I had to reevaluate what I was doing and why. Had God asked me to go save the world? Did he hand me a picket sign and tell me to shout angrily at the evil people who were stealing and destroying people's lives? Was he the one who sent me on this journey of justice? No. He had asked me to tell their story. To show the hope they have in Him and sell their jewelry in order to provide hope to more women out there who were still living in the darkness. He asked me to tell their story of hope and joy. I had been caught up in telling the story of evil and darkness.

Sometimes, when we look around this world we only see evil and darkness. Sometimes, we forget that God is in the dark places that we can not go. God has taught me that if I continue to focus on the evil, that I will lose my Joy. I will lose my Hope. But, if I choose to focus on Him - to praise him with all my heart, like that amazing young woman did at the Christmas party, that he will provide my joy, my hope and he will use me to change the world - one person at a time.

I went to Thailand on a journey of justice. I wanted to learn more on this journey that I could bring back and share with others. To tell of the darkness that these amazing women had walked through and how they had arrived at The Well. I wanted to show God's love to these precious women, but God had other plans. He wanted to show me his hope and joy through someone he had redeemed. Redemption is beautiful.

God changed my trip. He showed me what redemption looks like. He showed me that he can step into someone's life and make them whole. I was surprised to find that I had not been on a journey of justice at all, but on a journey of joy. I did not even know that I had lost my own joy of the Lord until I saw it in these precious women and their children. God redeemed these priceless women and their lives, but he also took me half way around the world to show me what I had lost. He showed me that I had been looking at the wrong things...He showed me Joy.

So, here I stand. I stand on stage in front of groups of women. I stand behind a table covered with the most exquisite jewelry created by beautiful women from The Well. I stand and tell their stories - not of evil and darkness, but of redemption, hope...and joy.

Beautiful Dandelions

When our daughters were young, they would pick bouquets of dandelions for me. They would grin as I took down a vase to display the beauty of the flowers they proudly presented me. Dandelions provide many hours of joy in children's lives. Remember when we were young, playing the "butter" game? We would ask our friend a question and rub the flower on their cheek or hand depending on their answer, then they would have a yellow stain to display for the day! We would make dandelion crowns while pretending we were princesses. We had fun popping off the heads of the flowers or blowing the seeds into the wind and watching them float through the air and land all around us. As children, we grow up enjoying our life...seeing the beauty around us. We even believe that little yellow dandelions are beautiful flowers that we can use to create a dazzling bouquet for our moms.

When we grow up, we realize how silly we were to think that these ugly weeds were once beautiful.  We buy fertilizer to keep them away and would laugh if a friend ordered us a bouquet of dandelions.  Why are we so gullible when we are kids? Can you imagine receiving a handful of dandelions on a first date? What if your husband walked up to you with a fistful of dandelions and said, "Here honey, I heard you had a bad day at work today, so I bought you this amazing bouquet of...dandelions".

It seems silly to think these little yellow flowers were once a beautiful bouquet our mother had on the table to display our love for her. I wonder, though, if God sees us as dandelions. Does he wish to use us to display his love to the world?

God creates beautiful and delicate flowers to adorn this world with his love. He takes time to make them fun and brightly colorful. God paints the brilliant color onto these tiny blooms and he even has a plan for the future of the flower. That, after it blooms, the seeds of love will blow in the wind and spread his beauty for all to see.

There is only one problem. We look into the mirror and we forget what God created. We listen to the voice that grows like a weed within our hearts. "Why are you so gullible? Did you really think you were beautiful? How can God use a weed when he has other flowers much more useful..."

We believe this voice, this weed that spreads through our broken hearts. We forget that God created us to bring joy to others, to bring color to his creation, to create a canvas of beauty in this dark world and to spread the seeds of his love to those around. We believe the lies that tell us that God has made a mistake. We think that other flowers are more beautiful or useful than a small, insignificant weed.

When did we begin to see the dandelion, or ourselves, as a weed instead of a beautiful flower? When did we begin to believe the lies instead of the truth? Where were we when someone told us that we were really just a useless weed? What happened in our lives that popped the heads off our dreams?

I am not sure when it began, but I am here to remind you that God still sees you as a beautiful flower. He sees the joy you can bring to others. He wants to bring color to the canvas of your life. He is ready to spread the seeds of his love to those all around you. He wants you to know that you were created to be a beautiful flower.

When you step outside, if you see a dandelion, take a moment to stop and look at it's beauty. Forget what you have been told. See the flower as a child would. See the amazing color, the tiny details, the seeds that can spread on the wind. Then, remember that God created you to be his beautiful dandelion.

Disappearing Rodents

This week, I met a rodent-crushing soul mate.  Now, this is not a story for the faint of heart.  I would urge anyone with a love for rodents or a hate of a story of how one less rodent is living on this planet - to refrain yourself from reading further.

I have never much enjoyed rodents. Mostly mice and bats, but since our neighbor feeds squirrels and they are now eating my lawn furniture for lunch, I do include them in my "not enjoyable" category. It seems whenever these furry creatures have shown up in my different homes we have lived in through the years, that I have a fear and panic when they show up. Some have flown over my bed, eaten my Oreos out of our cupboard and have even scared me off the porcelain throne. Many of you may not know how frightening a small three inch mouse can be to those of us who do not put a welcome sign out for them.

As I mentioned above, this story is quite sad for rodent lovers - please be advised.  I do not condone this type of behavior nor do I encourage people to hurt any type of animal - unless your life and the lives of your children are in jeopardy! This is where I begin.

Of course, my husband was not home on this night.  I was home with my two young girls and one of their little friends.  I strolled into my dark kitchen and heard something.  It was not the girls giggling in the other room but a scurrying, scratching noise.  I immediately stopped mid-stride. My mind went back to tormented nights of seeing bats flying over my head while laying in my bed, or sleeping with a tennis racquet under my husband's side of the bed - and it was not for his practice sessions at midnight! As I stood frozen in the middle of the kitchen, I realized that this noise was coming from my sink. I slithered toward the sink in slow motion until I could peer over the edge.  Yes, it confirmed my fears.  There was a mouse in my sink! I must have let out a scream because the girls all ran into the kitchen to see what was happening. I was hopping up and down covering my mouth and trying to grab my phone to call 911. I pointed to the sink as the girls leaped up onto the opposite counter. They were giggling and squealing as they watched their mother try to protect their lives - okay, they were actually watching me jump up and down as they heard small screeching noises come from my hand covered mouth. I decided that the police may have more important matters to deal with than a mouse in my sink, although I could not imagine a more desperate situation as I looked into the beady little eyes of the furry creature eating food scraps and staring me right in the eyes. I decided to call one of our friends who would tell me how to deal with this situation. He was not much help as he laughed into the phone while I hyperventilated, trying to breathe as I told him that our lives were in danger. He jokingly mentioned the garbage disposal that was in the sink. Only, in my state of sheer panic and dizziness from the hyperventilation, I thought he had the answer to my problem. I looked over and spotted a bowl.

It happened so quickly, I can not be sure if what I write is what actually happened. I know that I trapped the rabid killer under the bowl. I turned on the water and, yes, the disposal. All I know is this - when I lifted the bowl, the mouse was gone! It was like a magic trick! Only, I tentatively forgot I had three young audience members watching this magic trick until I heard screams coming from behind me followed by a lot of "Ewww! Yuck!" and noses scrunched up behind their little hands that were covering their eyes. Oops. That is also when I remembered that I was on the phone - since my friend was yelling into my ear, "What was that?! You didn't actually turn on the disposal did you?!" I told him that it was HIS idea, but he called me a mouse murderer and I think I hung up.

For years, I have carried this burden of the disappearing mouse. I have told the story a few times and usually find it is not much of an "ice breaker", but just a conversation ender. I still don't like mice, but I look back and think that maybe I acted out of panic and wonder if there was another way out of the situation. Then, just as I came to the realization that I was a terrible person who caused terror in three young children - I met someone.

As I said, I do not condone or recommend this type of behavior. If you have children they will, as we say here in Michigan, "rat you out" - pardon the pun. This phrase means that when you are standing in a group of rodent lovers, they will choose this exact moment to bring up the time that you made one of their little friends magically disappear. Kids will always find the most inopportune time to share their story of terror when they once sat on a kitchen counter. This is exactly what happened to me this week. 

We were sitting among a birthday gathering. Some of the people, we had just met that night. I was talking to a woman about our dislike of rodents invading our homes and sharing our experiences of the past. This is when my teen daughter decides that it is a great time to bring up my story of torture. Since this does not show my best attributes, I was worried we would be leaving the party early. This is when it happened. The woman I was speaking with begins to shriek and laugh and clap her hands! I was still confused and wondering if we should be packing up our things when she told me her own story. She understood my panic, my fear and even understood my actions. This person, who I will not name, also used her disposal on a rodent! The bat that had been terrorizing her home and children "accidentally" fell into the sink, ergo, another disappearing trick!

I never thought I would meet a like-minded magician. We both allowed fear and panic to drive us to eliminating our little invaders. Have you ever allowed fear to control your actions? I have allowed it to control me in other areas at times. Fear of failing has caused me to not try new things or not do something God has asked me to do. Fear of other people's acceptance has caused me to agree with the crowd instead of standing up for someone who was not there to stand up for themselves. Fear has stopped me from making new friends with others who I thought may not accept me as I am. Fear, at times, has taken control of my dark nights. Fear can not only take over parts of our lives, but it can take control of our entire life if we allow it to.

The Bible says, "do not fear, for I am with you". Why do we let fear stop us from doing what we want to do? Why are we afraid of what our future holds when, actually, God is right there with us? I think sometimes we see fear scurrying into our lives, nibbling at our confidence and we begin to panic. We forget that God really is with us and we don't need to act out in fear, but we can stand tall and walk in confidence. When you find yourself in a panic, just call out to your Father in Heaven and ask that He will remind you that He is there - no magic tricks required.

God's Redeeming Love

Redeeming Love.  That is the name of my favorite book.  It talks about a girl who is handed a bad lot in life.  She turns into a woman who makes many wrong choices because she feels she deserves nothing better. Then, the amazing part happens - God shows up! He shows her that she is worthy of love and His love can redeem all of the brokenness of her past.  He reveals that Love can cover all wrongs. It is such a beautiful picture of what God can do.  He can redeem that which is lost.

Sometimes, it seems like this could never really happen in real life - only in fiction.  We feel that we are not worthy for God to show up when we mess up.  Why would God fix something that we broke?  We feel like this is only something that would happen to someone else, someone who is worthy.  

I was able to be a part of God's redeeming love this week.  It was overwhelming to sit in the midst of a story of God redeeming a relationship that had been broken.  It was my story.

Sometimes we make mistakes in life and what is left is a broken relationship.  We don't know how to fix it, so it just stays - broken.  It's funny that I have trusted God in so many places in my life, yet I did not ask for His help in fixing this. I could not figure out how to restore what was lost on my own, so I just accepted this as my lot in my life. My choices, my lot right? Wrong. This is not how God works. He does not leave you with your wrong because Love covers all wrongs.

I feel honored that God stepped in when I didn't ask Him to.  Did you know that if you trust God and try your best to follow Him that He can step into your life without you even asking Him to?  When you put your life into God's hands, He has the freedom to step in and speak Truth into your life because you are open to hearing His voice.  

God stepped into my life last week.  He brought up this broken friendship and kept pressing on my heart that this should be restored.  When God speaks truth into our lives, we don't have to listen.  We can ignore what He is asking, walk away and never see what He can do - or we can chose to listen and be amazed that Love really can cover all wrongs.

So yesterday, I sat across a booth and felt a feeling that was so overwhelming that I don't have the words to describe it. But I know what it was.  It was God redeeming what was lost. 

The American Dream...?

Sometimes  I get caught up in life and forget. I begin to look around and see all of the people, with all of the things. I begin to believe the host of the network is speaking truth. I begin to think that my faults are seen by everyone and if I could only be perfect - then, life would be too.

I have grown up in a middle class area of America my whole life. I forget what life is sometimes. I see what I see and follow what they say. Perfect is beautiful - not so perfect is not. Things will make it better and the more you have, the better your life will be....at least that is what they are telling me.

I sit here wondering...what about God?  Does He want perfect people to work with? Does He want me to collect all I can while here on earth?  This is what I am thinking...

When Jesus was on the earth - His best buddies smelled like fish and took a little extra cash on the job before meeting him. They never seemed to say the right things, and I did not read in any book of the Bible that they were Hebrew Top Models.They were ordinary, not perfect people. They did not have much according to the Israeli Times. They slept outside with Jesus many nights. They walked many miles without Louis Vuitton sandals and it even says they would eat as they traveled...Matthew 12:1 

I wonder why I always look around me and see what others have or what they do and decide who I am. I judge myself and sometimes others by the "American Dream". I need a nice car, nicer house and the best clothes in order to fit in. My body must look like an Olympic beach volleyball player if I want others to love me and think I am beautiful. I need many friends around me and we need to go out to many places so that many people will see that we are "cool". 

God loves each of us and I believe He is sad when He sees us believing the "American Dream" instead of God's Dream. He is sad that our lives revolve around things that will rust and be thrown away...instead of looking to God Himself for our happiness. It says in 1 John 4:8 that God is Love.  If you don't have love in your life right now... if you can't find the joy in your stuff anymore...look to God. He is waiting for us to look away from the mirror and the magazines and look for Him. He is there...when you seek Him with all your heart, you will find Him. 

What do you think? Should we begin to live a life of freedom and love? Can we learn to stop listening to the voices of this world that tell us who we are and what we should attain? Will we seek God and find our true meaning in life...our true happiness? Paul writes to the Galatians in the Bible and asks, "am I trying to please God or man?"

I am still trying to learn this lesson of listening to the right voice. It is difficult to not follow what the world is telling us...it is all around us, showing us what happiness looks like. I do know, though, that when I listen to God and choose to follow Him rather than the American Dream, I find peace, happiness and the freedom to be who God created me to be...just me.

Skinny Jeans

So, It seems I have reached the "mid-life crisis" time in my life...it feels strange to get older, but I really didn't know I was getting older till everyone around me became younger!  All of a sudden, college students look like they should still be in middle school.  Grandmothers look more like moms than grandmas.  Such a weird thing to happen, so maybe that is where the "crisis" comes from - everyone around me is getting younger - what is happening?? It's like the movie, "honey, I shrunk the kids" but with people's age instead of size! This definitely would be considered a crisis!

For instance, I am driving down the road, singing to Barry Manilow pumping out on my speakers, when I look over at the car next to me at the stop light and a tiny little 10 year old is sitting behind the wheel! I think it must be some kind of mistake, until I realize that the whole car is full of little 10 year olds enjoying their day out with their car thumping around them. Weird.  I walk into a Doctor's office and a nice old lady nurse takes my blood pressure.  I sit on the little table with paper while I wait to meet the new Doctor.  The next thing I know, in walks a high school kid dressed up like a Doctor! I try not to look alarmed and talk in a normal voice, but what is going on?? How can a high school kid be finished with years of medical school to now be a Doctor?  I used to watch Doogie Howser M.D. but, this is ridiculous!

One such event, where I realized my age, was after I went shopping with my friend - who is younger than me, by the way.  I had recently lost some weight and was looking for some "cute" jeans.  We attacked many stores in the mall searching for the ones I wanted, but none seemed to be "just right".  We dragged ourselves into the last store, and can you believe it? I found the PERFECT jeans! They fit! - a tad tight, but hey, I DID just arrive at this new size. They were a "new" look for me, but I was so excited they fit that I came out to show my younger friend.  My friend looked down at my legs with a strange expression on her face and smiled - or was it a giggle? - I guess I should have taken that as a sign.  I said, "I love them! They are so cute!" What was she supposed to say to that?  Well, she said, "are you sure?  They do look good, but..." Looking down at the torn, distressed jean, I was a tad doubtful now.  "Well...I guess my kids will laugh when I bring them home...maybe I shouldn't get them" I say with sad resignation.  

Then, I was saved by the 12 year old sales clerk! She was so cute as she smiled at me with her lip piercing (do 12 year olds get lip piercings?) and said, "Wow! Those look great! I wish my mom would wear something like that!" She was the best sales clerk I had ever met - and so honest too!  I looked in the mirror with a new light in my eye and skip to my step...yup ...that little sales clerk was sooo right! I do look good in these little trendy jeans.  So, I said - why not?  and took them to the register.  I was so excited, I felt as if I had just made a new friend...a very cute and trendy new friend!

Now, my girls were both teens at the time and I had already begun to hear them tell me things I was "too old" to be wearing.  Certain brands, for those of you who don't have teenage girls to teach you these things, are off limits after you turn 32 - or become a mom? Not sure, but possibly whichever comes first.  I had a feeling that my family would not appreciate my cute and trendy new jeans as much as I did, but I figured they would just let this one slide...you know? 

Have you ever bought something in a store only to bring it home and ask, "why did I buy this"?  I actually didn't have time to ask myself this question because my family was unexpectedly standing near the doorway when I arrived home from my shopping spree.  I decided to show them my adorable new trendy - not old lady - jeans.  I began to pull the jeans out of the bag when my oldest daughter made a strangled screeching type of sound.  I thought something terrible must have happened to her while standing next to me by the door.  As a concerned mother, I turned to look up at her and she was covering her mouth with her hands as her eyes bulged out of her head - she whispered in a strange, strangled voice, "Mom! They're....they're...BEDAZZLED!"  My youngest daughter started laughing and my husband was shaking his head.  Now, obviously, my kids don't know the meaning of bedazzled - that is when you create a design or pattern with rhinestone type beading gems.  These jeans were definitely NOT bedazzled.  Okay, they did have a few very large rhinestones on all four corners of the pockets, but they were not in any type of design or pattern... therefore, not bedazzled...silly kids!  They also didn't seem to think the tight skinny jean style with the ripped look in the front was something I should be wearing...hmm....that maybe a good point. 

I actually thought about keeping the jeans in my closet so I could wear them when I was alone in the house cleaning, it crossed my mind more than once, but I didn't.  I reluctantly took my "too young for me" jeans back to the store.  While I wiped a small tear from my eye, I said goodbye to my new cute and trendy friend. 

Just when I thought this terrible ordeal was over, the 50- something sales lady at the return counter looked at the jeans as she scanned my return.  She said, "Wow! These jeans are SOOOO cute!!"  I agreed, but explained that I had two teenagers who had taught me the truth about my age, and that I guess I was now officially too old to wear such a youthful thing.  The lady gave me a sympathetic smile as she said, "I understand".  I guess she had to return her new cute and trendy friend at one time in the past after bringing it home to show her teens...it actually made me feel warm inside that someone understood.  I am not the first to come to this clothing crisis in my life...other brave women have already walked this path.

To those of you who have gone ahead of me in this crisis of life, I thank you for your bravery to continue to seek out an "appropriate" style.  I applaud you for walking through the dark time of grief as you had to pass by the "youthful, trendy, yet inappropriate" stores in search for a more "mid-life" type of retail.  I will walk this path of "crisis" with the knowledge that I am not alone.  

For those of you who may not have entered into this process of certain items being "off limits" for you, please do not judge those of us who are strolling the mall with "mom" jeans or matching purple velor jogging suits...it was not our first choice, possibly not our second or third, but when you are in the middle of the "crisis" the choices begin to run out.  Do not be judgmental as you too will reach this place of mid-life at one point in your life.  I pray you will be able to walk into your mid-life as those before you...with a tear and with a smile, knowing you can finally wear that comfy purple velor suit...because nobody really cares anymore.  One thing that may help you as you step into this new world of "crisis" is the words of wisdom given to me by a friend in a card.  I have written the wise words here for you to hold onto.  This will be the wisdom that will help you through:

God grant me the serenity

to accept the fact

I cannot fit into some jeans;

the courage to wear the jeans I should;

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Lessons from Mandy

Did you know that you can learn life lessons without taking a class?  I have learned many life lessons throughout the years but some of the most important were learned in high school.  I had an amazing friend in high school who became one of my best friends I have had in life.  Unfortunately, we both moved and did not stay in close contact as much through the years, but I will always remember what Mandy taught me about life. 

While in high school, many kids think they need to be "popular" or "cool".  I was neither.  I was not well known in school and I did not get invited to many "events" outside of my church youth group.  Mandy and I hung out at school and I was able to be myself around her.  She showed me that you don't have to be perfect to be pretty.  We would drive to DQ for our half hour lunch and put our lipgloss on as we drove back to class.  We knew we weren't as beautiful as some of the other girls in school, but when we were together, we didn't care.  We knew we were pretty and that our smiles would show the real beauty we had - the beauty inside. 

We would talk about God and boys and whatever else you talk about when you are 16.  I could talk to Mandy about anything.  She would tell me when I was chasing the wrong guy or looking for other people's approval when I should be worried about doing what was right.  Mandy and I talked for hours about nothing and everything.  I didn't worry about saying the "right" thing around Mandy, because we didn't have to be perfect - just ourselves.  It was so refreshing to not have to act one way around her and turn around to be another person when I was alone - that is a true friend...to be able to accept each other as you are and love each other anyway.

One thing I remember the most about hanging out with Mandy was her laugh.  We laughed together all the time.  I think we talked and laughed through most of our choir class we took our senior year!  We giggled and were silly and many other kids thought we were a little strange I think, but the fun part about it was that we didn't care what the other kids thought - we just had a lot of fun!  I remember falling into fits of laughter until tears were streaming down our faces and our stomachs hurt...over absolutely nothing!  

We actually signed up for a bike trip for our church youth group.  The bike trip took us from Flint, Mi all the way to Mackinaw Island, which was a very long trip!  Why did we sign up to ride a ten speed bike 80 miles a day for 5 days through the baking sun and pouring rain? Is it because we loved the wind on our faces? Was it the fashionable bike helmets we had to wear? Could it be for the amazing cardio exercise of riding a bike for miles on end? Nope...it was boys.  We spent a week in pup tents and rain and sore muscles just because most of the other teens who had signed up for this trip was BOYS! It is funny what you will do with a friend when you are only sixteen.  We would wake up and fix our hair in a small outdoor "restroom" before walking over to our bikes and buckling our helmets on! Yes, we were a little crazy.

I hope that you will be as lucky as I was to have a friend in your life like Mandy.  A friend you can talk to, cry with, laugh with and just be yourself with.  I have had many other friends throughout my life, but none like Mandy.  She was the silly fun friend that I could let loose and just enjoy life with.  Thank you Mandy for being a true friend.  You showed me how to laugh and enjoy the moment. You taught me that it is okay to be myself and not worry about what others think about me.  You showed me that I can have a lot of fun while living for God...and you showed me that sore muscles can be worth it sometimes! Love you girl...