Some of you may not know this about me, but my husband is a pastor. That means, I am a pastor's wife. This may not seem like a big disclosure to most of you, but it changes many things for me at times.
When I meet new people, and I happen to be accompanied by someone who attends our church, of course, I am introduced as "pastor's wife". This should be an honor and a wonderful thing for most people - a great position that I really am proud to have, but...
That is when things change. People change how they look at me. They may stop talking completely or decide it is time to pick up their kids from hockey or soccer - even if they don't have kids. If we had been chatting about fashion or other things and they let a swear word slip out, they immediately apologize - if it is after our introduction. I am looked at as an angel, perfect or even a great mom because of this title. I am not sure why, but I guess Pastors and their families should be a "cut above" others. Although, I am sad to admit - we are just normal people. We make mistakes, yell at our kids, and we have never floated on a cloud. We are just living life and trying to follow God the best we can.
When I first became a pastor's wife, I was quite young. I married at the age of 20 and my husband took a part time youth pastor position in a small church while attending college classes. This is when it began...
I was approached by a man in our church and he asked if I would think about teaching the first grade Sunday school class. He told me - no pressure, just get back to him after I thought about it. That afternoon, my husband found me sprawled out on our bed sobbing. What happened to his wife? he wondered - and he asked. So, I told him! I was completely undone and felt as if my life was over - someone had asked me to teach a children's Sunday school class!!!
As you can imagine, my poor husband had quite a blank expression on his face. He did not know what to say. Why did that bother me so much? He somehow surmised that I did not want to take this position for some unknown reason and asked me again why I was so upset. This is what I told him...
I can't be a pastor's wife! I don't even like kids all that much! I don't want to teach a kids class, but I have to - because I'm a pastor's wife! I will have to learn to do puppets and begin a puppet ministry, take piano classes and start with this Sunday school class. I don't want to, but I guess that is what I am supposed to do as a pastor's wife!
I believe my husband smiled. He was a wise man to hold his laughter inside while trying to picture me teaching a story with puppets to a crew of wild first graders. While being upset already, this did not make me want to hug him - I can tell you that! He smiled and tried to hug me and said, "then just tell him no". What?! NO?! Oh...hmmm. I did not think of that. I could actually tell him no? You mean, I don't have to become a piano playing, grey curly haired puppeteer? I thought everyone expected me to be the pastor's wife that I had met in my many years of church attendance. I thought they all had to love kids and teach Sunday school. I never thought about what I was really expected to do until that man approached me with the Sunday school position. I thought the world looked at me and wanted me to become the "perfect pastor's wife".
When we moved to Northern Michigan, I began attending a little retreat each year set up for pastor's wives. We would go to a hotel for a Friday night and Saturday get away. This is something I will never forget. Many women from many places of life came together to share their stories of being a pastor's wife. They told of the hard times and how wonderful it is to support a husband and church and people who become a part of your life. They told of miracles God had done for them, they told of things they loved to do and things they did for their church. I was pleasantly surprised that none of them had a puppet ministry! One wife was a jock, loved sports. She began a volleyball ministry with her church. One lead worship, while another taught kids. Some did not even do much at their churches because they had a full time job being a mom or working outside the home and decided that God had placed them in these places for their own ministry in life.
I still struggle with being a pastor's wife at times. It is not other people who place the expectations on me, it is me. I feel as if I don't do a good job, or I don't do enough. I place guilt on myself if I stop helping in the nursery. I look at other pastor wives and see all they do in their churches, and I compare myself to them - usually, it doesn't turn out as an uplifting comparison.
I think we all do this in our lives. Do you find yourself comparing yourself to others? Looking around at work and seeing others doing the job so much easier than you find it? Seeing other college students flying through the classes you have to study long hours to barely pass? Looking through a magazine, or looking at the TV before you look into a mirror? It seems we all compare ourselves with others in one way or another. I think it is a continual battle for some of us.
The good news is, God does not look at us this way. He does not compare us with anyone else. He does not look at a magazine and wonder why we put on a few pounds. He does not hate us if we are not a beautiful model. He loves us so much and we don't even see it, because we blind his love with the comparisons of people. The bible tells us that God chose David to become a King. He said,"I do not look at the things people look at. Man looks at how someone appears on the outside. But I look at what is in the heart." People look at the outward appearance. They have a hard time seeing past the beauty or disheveled person standing in front of them. They can't see past the limp or the ripped coat. They don't take time to see how God sees - God looks right past all of this. He looks past the failures we continue to play in our heads. He sees through our beauty into the self condemning we do and he can see our heart. He sees the brokenness, the hurt, the pain and the joy. He knows who we really are even if we don't know ourselves! That is amazing to me. Sometimes I put so many comparisons on myself, so many expectations, that I forget who I really am. I forget that God created me to be an individual, different than everyone else. He created me to show others his love - people that other pastor's wives may never meet.
Let's use the beginning of this new year to make a commitment. To decide to stop expecting things out of ourselves that we don't even need to be. To stop judging and condemning the actions we do as we compare them with someone else. Let us seek God. He can show us who we truly are. He can see into our hearts and show us who we are really created to be! This, I believe, is a place where we will find a lightness in life. A place of freedom...freedom to be.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Falling
A new journey - it sounds exciting and intriguing.
When I knew my job would be ending at the end of this school year, I was ready to begin a new chapter. Tired of feeling "stuck" in a routine, I sparkled with the idea of this new journey to come.
Change in life can be so exciting! To learn about yourself and see what God has prepared for you. I have been through this many times in my life, and I was ready for it this time! I trusted God to prepare what is next for me. No worries, just happiness and sparkles.
Now that this chapter in my life is swiftly closing, I am no longer sparkling...I am panicking.
It is so difficult to not be in control, or to see what is next - what is on the next page. I like to know what is happening in my life. My husband knows that I don't even enjoy taking a walk unless I have a destination, preferably an ice cream establishment! The destination is what I look to during my journey. A long road trip is out of the question unless it has sunshine and a beach waiting for me at the end.
My personal road trip is quickly turning a corner. The problem is that I can't see what is around that corner. Wouldn't life be easier if we could just see ahead a little? To be able to prepare for the next step? I think I mentioned this idea to God more than once, but it seems like he doesn't think my idea is all that great. I always pray for some kind of glass ball I can look into to see what is coming - it just seems like such a practical way to prepare, knowing what to prepare for.
It's funny though that God doesn't see this the same as I do. He doesn't want me to know what is next. Maybe he wants me to panic a little and feel as if I can't do this on my own. Why do we always think we need to do everything on our own? I have heard many people quote a verse that is not in the Bible. They say, "God won't give you more than you can handle". That is not true. The Bible says, "God will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." - that is different. Temping is talking about sin. God will not allow us to be tempted to sin, to do something that would hurt our relationship with him, without giving us a way out. I believe that sometimes God does give us more than we can handle. If we could handle everything in life on our own, then why would we even need God? We would be able to just skip through life and enjoy the sunshine and ice cream!
For my life, I think God continues to put road blocks and turns into my journey so that I will learn to truly trust him. I have put my trust in God so many times in my life. So many things that God has asked us as a family to do, I have always had to come back to trusting God. If I can't control my future, then I must trust that God is in control! Each time I place my trust in him, I can see him work in my life and I look back thinking, why didn't I just trust God in the beginning? Yet, as I face another chapter in my life that I have not written myself, I find trust such a difficult thing to do.
Trust is not just something you easily give. No matter how many times your friend catches you when you play that "trust me and fall backwards" game, you still wonder if they will catch you on the next fall. That is what it feels like to put my trust of the future, my next step, to God. I know he is there. I know he has caught me when I fell all the other times in my life. I know he has a plan for me. I know, I know, I know...but I still have to let go. My need for control, or a destination, needs to be traded for a blind faith that can picture his hands outstretched behind me...waiting for me to fall into his arms. Waiting for me to stop trying to figure out my life and instead, giving my next steps to him.
Sometimes, even now, I fight this. I love God and know that I want to follow him and what his plans are for me. I know his plans will always turn out better than if I ignore him and do life on my own. It is still so difficult to hand over my life, once again. It seems as if he requires this over and over again. To trust, once again. To hand it all over, as Carrie Underwood sings, "Jesus, take the wheel". It seems that at every turn I grab ahold of the wheel again. I think I know how to steer my life, what is best for me. If I do choose to grab the wheel, to not fall into his arms, to do it my own way, where I feel safe and comfortable - that is when life loses something. God did not intend for us to plan our life and live it out any way we wish. Proverbs 16:9 says, "man plans his way, but the lord directs his steps". What happens if I don't allow him to direct my steps? What happens if I decide to drive for a while. What happens if I choose to not fall into his arms but to walk on my own where I can see instead?
If you can picture that "blind faith" game again...what happens if the person who is supposed to fall backward decides to walk straight ahead instead? They can see in front of them, so they take the safe way, the easy way and begin to walk where they can see. What happens is that they will get further and further away from where they were supposed to be. Further and further away from God, who is waiting to catch them. They no longer have to trust, or fear falling. They don't need to put their life into the hands of another - they have everything under control. What they don't realize is that they are getting further and further away from where they were supposed to be, from who they were meant to be.
It is not comfortable to fall back. It is not safe to close our eyes and wait for God to catch us, but if we choose not to, we will find ourselves in a safe, comfortable life without peace and without the real purpose God had intended for us to have. So, once again, I will choose to fall. To have no idea what is next, but to pray and pray that God knows. To ask that he will show me the next step. "God will direct their steps"...all we need to know is one step. If we choose to follow God on that step, then he will show us the next and the next until we end up where he planned for us to be all along. We will be in his will. We will be at peace. We may not feel safe or comfortable, but we will know that God is with us, that we are in his will and we have a purpose that we can only be given by the one who knows us best. That is when we can really sparkle - in the place we were created to be!
If you have walked away from trust, away from God, you can always turn around and run back into his arms. He is still standing there, with his arms outstretched waiting to catch you. If you find you have made some wrong turns by taking the wheel of your life, pray that one simple prayer, "Jesus, take the wheel". He will. It may not be comfortable, but I promise you that you will finally feel at peace and you will find the joy that only comes when we fall.
When I knew my job would be ending at the end of this school year, I was ready to begin a new chapter. Tired of feeling "stuck" in a routine, I sparkled with the idea of this new journey to come.
Change in life can be so exciting! To learn about yourself and see what God has prepared for you. I have been through this many times in my life, and I was ready for it this time! I trusted God to prepare what is next for me. No worries, just happiness and sparkles.
Now that this chapter in my life is swiftly closing, I am no longer sparkling...I am panicking.
It is so difficult to not be in control, or to see what is next - what is on the next page. I like to know what is happening in my life. My husband knows that I don't even enjoy taking a walk unless I have a destination, preferably an ice cream establishment! The destination is what I look to during my journey. A long road trip is out of the question unless it has sunshine and a beach waiting for me at the end.
My personal road trip is quickly turning a corner. The problem is that I can't see what is around that corner. Wouldn't life be easier if we could just see ahead a little? To be able to prepare for the next step? I think I mentioned this idea to God more than once, but it seems like he doesn't think my idea is all that great. I always pray for some kind of glass ball I can look into to see what is coming - it just seems like such a practical way to prepare, knowing what to prepare for.
It's funny though that God doesn't see this the same as I do. He doesn't want me to know what is next. Maybe he wants me to panic a little and feel as if I can't do this on my own. Why do we always think we need to do everything on our own? I have heard many people quote a verse that is not in the Bible. They say, "God won't give you more than you can handle". That is not true. The Bible says, "God will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." - that is different. Temping is talking about sin. God will not allow us to be tempted to sin, to do something that would hurt our relationship with him, without giving us a way out. I believe that sometimes God does give us more than we can handle. If we could handle everything in life on our own, then why would we even need God? We would be able to just skip through life and enjoy the sunshine and ice cream!
For my life, I think God continues to put road blocks and turns into my journey so that I will learn to truly trust him. I have put my trust in God so many times in my life. So many things that God has asked us as a family to do, I have always had to come back to trusting God. If I can't control my future, then I must trust that God is in control! Each time I place my trust in him, I can see him work in my life and I look back thinking, why didn't I just trust God in the beginning? Yet, as I face another chapter in my life that I have not written myself, I find trust such a difficult thing to do.
Trust is not just something you easily give. No matter how many times your friend catches you when you play that "trust me and fall backwards" game, you still wonder if they will catch you on the next fall. That is what it feels like to put my trust of the future, my next step, to God. I know he is there. I know he has caught me when I fell all the other times in my life. I know he has a plan for me. I know, I know, I know...but I still have to let go. My need for control, or a destination, needs to be traded for a blind faith that can picture his hands outstretched behind me...waiting for me to fall into his arms. Waiting for me to stop trying to figure out my life and instead, giving my next steps to him.
Sometimes, even now, I fight this. I love God and know that I want to follow him and what his plans are for me. I know his plans will always turn out better than if I ignore him and do life on my own. It is still so difficult to hand over my life, once again. It seems as if he requires this over and over again. To trust, once again. To hand it all over, as Carrie Underwood sings, "Jesus, take the wheel". It seems that at every turn I grab ahold of the wheel again. I think I know how to steer my life, what is best for me. If I do choose to grab the wheel, to not fall into his arms, to do it my own way, where I feel safe and comfortable - that is when life loses something. God did not intend for us to plan our life and live it out any way we wish. Proverbs 16:9 says, "man plans his way, but the lord directs his steps". What happens if I don't allow him to direct my steps? What happens if I decide to drive for a while. What happens if I choose to not fall into his arms but to walk on my own where I can see instead?
If you can picture that "blind faith" game again...what happens if the person who is supposed to fall backward decides to walk straight ahead instead? They can see in front of them, so they take the safe way, the easy way and begin to walk where they can see. What happens is that they will get further and further away from where they were supposed to be. Further and further away from God, who is waiting to catch them. They no longer have to trust, or fear falling. They don't need to put their life into the hands of another - they have everything under control. What they don't realize is that they are getting further and further away from where they were supposed to be, from who they were meant to be.
It is not comfortable to fall back. It is not safe to close our eyes and wait for God to catch us, but if we choose not to, we will find ourselves in a safe, comfortable life without peace and without the real purpose God had intended for us to have. So, once again, I will choose to fall. To have no idea what is next, but to pray and pray that God knows. To ask that he will show me the next step. "God will direct their steps"...all we need to know is one step. If we choose to follow God on that step, then he will show us the next and the next until we end up where he planned for us to be all along. We will be in his will. We will be at peace. We may not feel safe or comfortable, but we will know that God is with us, that we are in his will and we have a purpose that we can only be given by the one who knows us best. That is when we can really sparkle - in the place we were created to be!
If you have walked away from trust, away from God, you can always turn around and run back into his arms. He is still standing there, with his arms outstretched waiting to catch you. If you find you have made some wrong turns by taking the wheel of your life, pray that one simple prayer, "Jesus, take the wheel". He will. It may not be comfortable, but I promise you that you will finally feel at peace and you will find the joy that only comes when we fall.
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