Who am I?

Some of you may not know this about me, but my husband is a pastor. That means, I am a pastor's wife.  This may not seem like a big disclosure to most of you, but it changes many things for me at times. 

When I meet new people, and I happen to be accompanied by someone who attends our church, of course, I am introduced as "pastor's wife". This should be an honor and a wonderful thing for most people - a great position that I really am proud to have, but...

That is when things change. People change how they look at me. They may stop talking completely or decide it is time to pick up their kids from hockey or soccer - even if they don't have kids. If we had been chatting about fashion or other things and they let a swear word slip out, they immediately apologize - if it is after our introduction. I am looked at as an angel, perfect or even a great mom because of this title. I am not sure why, but I guess Pastors and their families should be a "cut above" others. Although, I am sad to admit - we are just normal people. We make mistakes, yell at our kids, and we have never floated on a cloud. We are just living life and trying to follow God the best we can.

When I first became a pastor's wife, I was quite young. I married at the age of 20 and my husband took a part time youth pastor position in a small church while attending college classes. This is when it began...

I was approached by a man in our church and he asked if I would think about teaching the first grade Sunday school class. He told me - no pressure, just get back to him after I thought about it. That afternoon, my husband found me sprawled out on our bed sobbing. What happened to his wife? he wondered - and he asked. So, I told him! I was completely undone and felt as if my life was over - someone had asked me to teach a children's Sunday school class!!!

As you can imagine, my poor husband had quite a blank expression on his face. He did not know what to say. Why did that bother me so much? He somehow surmised that I did not want to take this position for some unknown reason and asked me again why I was so upset. This is what I told him...

I can't be a pastor's wife! I don't even like kids all that much! I don't want to teach a kids class, but I have to - because I'm a pastor's wife! I will have to learn to do puppets and begin a puppet ministry, take piano classes and start with this Sunday school class. I don't want to, but I guess that is what I am supposed to do as a pastor's wife!

I believe my husband smiled. He was a wise man to hold his laughter inside while trying to picture me teaching a story with puppets to a crew of wild first graders. While being upset already, this did not make me want to hug him - I can tell you that! He smiled and tried to hug me and said, "then just tell him no". What?! NO?! Oh...hmmm. I did not think of that. I could actually tell him no? You mean, I don't have to become a piano playing, grey curly haired puppeteer? I thought everyone expected me to be the pastor's wife that I had met in my many years of church attendance. I thought they all had to love kids and teach Sunday school. I never thought about what I was really expected to do until that man approached me with the Sunday school position. I thought the world looked at me and wanted me to become the "perfect pastor's wife". 

When we moved to Northern Michigan, I began attending a little retreat each year set up for pastor's wives. We would go to a hotel for a Friday night and Saturday get away. This is something I will never forget. Many women from many places of life came together to share their stories of being a pastor's wife. They told of the hard times and how wonderful it is to support a husband and church and people who become a part of your life. They told of miracles God had done for them, they told of things they loved to do and things they did for their church. I was pleasantly surprised that none of them had a puppet ministry! One wife was a jock, loved sports. She began a volleyball ministry with her church. One lead worship, while another taught kids. Some did not even do much at their churches because they had a full time job being a mom or working outside the home and decided that God had placed them in these places for their own ministry in life. 

I still struggle with being a pastor's wife at times. It is not other people who place the expectations on me, it is me. I feel as if I don't do a good job, or I don't do enough. I place guilt on myself if I stop helping in the nursery. I look at other pastor wives and see all they do in their churches, and I compare myself to them - usually, it doesn't turn out as an uplifting comparison. 

I think we all do this in our lives. Do you find yourself comparing yourself to others? Looking around at work and seeing others doing the job so much easier than you find it? Seeing other college students flying through the classes you have to study long hours to barely pass? Looking through a magazine, or looking at the TV before you look into a mirror? It seems we all compare ourselves with others in one way or another. I think it is a continual battle for some of us. 

The good news is, God does not look at us this way. He does not compare us with anyone else. He does not look at a magazine and wonder why we put on a few pounds. He does not hate us if we are not a beautiful model. He loves us so much and we don't even see it, because we blind his love with the comparisons of people. The bible tells us that God chose David to become a King. He said,"I do not look at the things people look at. Man looks at how someone appears on the outside. But I look at what is in the heart." People look at the outward appearance. They have a hard time seeing past the beauty or disheveled person standing in front of them. They can't see past the limp or the ripped coat. They don't take time to see how God sees - God looks right past all of this. He looks past the failures we continue to play in our heads. He sees through our beauty into the self condemning we do and he can see our heart. He sees the brokenness, the hurt, the pain and the joy. He knows who we really are even if we don't know ourselves! That is amazing to me. Sometimes I put so many comparisons on myself, so many expectations, that I forget who I really am. I forget that God created me to be an individual, different than everyone else. He created me to show others his love - people that other pastor's wives may never meet.

Let's use the beginning of this new year to make a commitment. To decide to stop expecting things out of ourselves that we don't even need to be. To stop judging and condemning the actions we do as we compare them with someone else. Let us seek God. He can show us who we truly are. He can see into our hearts and show us who we are really created to be! This, I believe, is a place where we will find a lightness in life. A place of freedom...freedom to be.